The Night Before Chemo

Well, it is Sunday again and we get to do it all over again. I think sometimes Sunday might be the hardest because you know what it is coming, you know you need to get stuff ready for the week and you have a day full of infusions to look forward to. This one is harder because it is their spring break. I usually can take them somewhere as a day trip or we have driven to Orlando to see family, but I can't do that this year. Just another thing that this cancer has taken not only from me but from them. we are blessed because they have some friends that have invited them to do stuff and I am grateful, but it doesn't lessen the guilt that you feel.

Sundays are also a day I actually feel good - most of the time and I try to make up for not doing too much during the week and by the end of the day I am exhausted and in pain. I know how to do nothing in moderation - never have and I suffer for it always.

I told my husband I wasn't sure it was a good thing that everyone one knows I have cancer because if I try to do something outside everyone is watching me and i would probably get in trouble. he said yea but what's new.

I am grateful for this rain. It has washed the pollen off most things. I have been getting bloody noses from the combination of the chemo and the pollen count. So Zyrtec and Flonase have been my besties. I really am tired of drugs.

I have my bags and blankets ready. My Paxman - which is the cold cap and I will get you more details on that this week. it freezes your hair follicle to reduce hair loss. In the morning, I will get my bento box of snacks ready and my water bottles.

I know that people want to know how I am doing... I honestly can't say how I really feel right now because I don't know. I feel guilty that i have this disease and that I can't take care of my family, I feel rob of the things that I used to do either because I don't have the strength or i just don't have the mental capacity. I feel blessed that I have an amazing care team - friends, family, doctors and nurses. I feel exhausted, depressed, stressed, moody as hell, guilty, and confused. And I feel all of those most of the time - I just don't give into them- because I can't.

Cancer and its treatment are hard. Not only for the person but also for the people that love them. You are having to fight for your life as you rebuild who you will be as you grieve for who you were. I am blessed because I have a wonderful husband who has stood by me in spite of my quirks and has never faltered once. He is my rock.

Thank you all for coming along on this journey with me. I hope that it may help you or someone you care about understand more of the process. I am hoping to get more blog posts up this week and I have a couple of wonderful friends that are going to help make it pretty.